Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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