A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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