I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
