I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
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and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
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My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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