Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
