I puked a lego.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
