i don't like sucking hair
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
