Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
