the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
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My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
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What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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