Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
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she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
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Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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