I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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