he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Dear god my vagina.
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