Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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