One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
