Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
