When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
