If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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