I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
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Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
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Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.