According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Randomize
