I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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