you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
