There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
