i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
