If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
