eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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