I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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