Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
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that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
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I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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