a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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