Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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