First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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