I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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