I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
