Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
