then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
