is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
