Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
