I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Boobs are out for the taking
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
