my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
this boner is exhausting
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
