I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
