oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
