when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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