there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
