The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She's the barista slut.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
