I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
