dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
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She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
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I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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