So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
