When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
