Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
