Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
