i think my mom watched the whole time
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he was CRYING into my vagina
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
