Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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