Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
